


No Sign of a Parachute

by skywarrior108



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-06-23
Updated: 2013-12-08
Packaged: 2018-01-04 00:42:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1075030
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/skywarrior108/pseuds/skywarrior108
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Rachel finds out that gay teens are at a higher risk of attempting suicide, she rallies the glee club to come to Kurt's aid. But unknown to everyone else in the club, Quinn is deeply closeted, struggling with her sexuality and her feelings for Rachel.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: Potential trigger—discussion of suicide and attempted suicide.
> 
> This story was originally written and published in the summer of 2011 in response to a prompt on the LJ rq_meme.
> 
> Consider everything after "Britney/Brittany" AU. There will be some things from episodes that came after that will seem familiar, but I've put my own spin on them.

The sound of a squeaking marker fills the choir room as Mr. Schuester scribbles across the white board. When he turns to face his students, he's wearing an enthusiastic smile. Quinn reads the word _Duets_ scrawled in big black letters before looking at her glee coach dubiously from the back row of the choir room. Last she checked, there were still an odd number of club members, which would mean someone couldn't do the assignment.

She decides it's just as well. She hasn't felt like singing very much these days.

Her eyes move away from Mr. Schuester and down to the front row, landing on Rachel, who is smiling excitedly at Finn. Quinn can't stop the feeling of jealousy that rises up in her as he wraps his arm around her. She quickly looks away and her jealousy soon gives way to self-loathing and guilt.

Ever since she helped Rachel test Finn's loyalty at the beginning of the school year, Quinn has been unable to ignore the feelings she has been harboring deep down for Rachel for longer than she wants to admit. Watching her serenade him in front of the entire club had broken something in Quinn, and she has no idea how to fix it. She has no idea how to make these feelings stop.

Her mother thinks she's suffering from postpartum depression, and despite the pang Quinn feels in her heart when she does think of the child she gave away, she knows that's not it. But she's more than okay letting her mother think it because if she truly knew what the source of her melancholia and anxiety was, Quinn has no doubt she'll be kicked out of her house again. Only this time, there would be no chance of being allowed back in.

It's that fear of stepping out of line again that drives her to do what her family has always done—try to shut her feelings down as best she can and pretend they don't exist. But it's becoming harder and harder to do, and she has inadvertently isolated herself from the people she had relied upon most last year, leaving her trapped inside her own head. But even if she hadn't pushed everyone away, she wouldn't dare utter a word about the thoughts and feelings that torture her daily.

If she speaks the words, she's afraid it will somehow make it all real. And after the hell she went through last year, she is not willing to do anything to jeopardize her tentative hold on her position of queen bee of McKinley or the strained and fragile relationship with her family.

* * *

Quinn feels a vibration coming from inside her gym bag and fishes out her phone. When she sees who the text is from, she can't stop the involuntary rush of nervousness she feels. Rachel hasn't texted her since requesting her help to test Finn's loyalty.

**Emergency meeting in the choir room after school.**

_Of course, it's just a group text_ , she thinks, unable to stop the disappointment she feels as she drops her phone back into her bag.

She doesn't know why she should expect more of Rachel. It's a miracle that she is even civil to Quinn after everything she has done.

The rest of the day passes quickly, and once it's over, Quinn dutifully walks to the choir room. When she arrives, she sees Rachel sitting attentively at the front of the room next to the piano. Rachel offers her a tight smile, and Quinn simply nods in return before taking her usual seat in the back row away from everyone else, silently wishing she had gotten a warmer greeting.

A minute later, the new guy in glee club, Sam, arrives. Quinn only remembers his name because of the dorky introduction he gave when he joined. On one hand she's glad he joined because it means that they now have enough members to compete, but on the other hand, she's a little miffed. An even number of gleeks means that she'll have to complete the duets assignment.

He takes a seat near her, but she doesn't offer him any sort of greeting, pretending to be engrossed in writing in her binder. But despite her best attempts to ignore everything going on around her, she can't stop her eyes from finding Rachel. Quinn discreetly watches Rachel, who is intently watching the entrance to the choir room while her fingers absently trace patterns against the black wood of the piano. Unbidden, Quinn imagines what those fingers would feel like running along her skin. She swallows thickly and lets out an unsteady breath before quickly averting her eyes back to the notebook in her lap.

She doesn't dare look up again until she hears Rachel speak. "Okay, good, now that everyone's here," she says, and Quinn glances up to see Mike and Tina enter the room hand-in-hand.

"Um, no we're not," Puck interrupts. "Kurt and Finn still aren't here."

"They won't be joining us for this meeting," Rachel explains to him before turning her attention back to the group. "Fellow glee clubbers, I have called you all here today to discuss something of utmost importance."

"What, you want to tell us what solo _you_ should be singing at Sectionals while the rest of us just sway in the background like props?" Mercedes asks, starting to unleash her own inner diva.

Rachel scowls, but she seems to let it roll off her shoulders. "No, Mercedes, it's something much more pressing than that, and if you'd let me finish, I think you'll find out just how important this is to you personally," she addresses Mercedes, who then relents and looks at their captain in curiosity.

"We all know what it's like to be outcasts. After all, we're in glee club, and while we're on our way up, we still don't get the recognition we deserve by the rest of our peers," Rachel explains. "But Kurt is in a unique position that makes him stand out even more from the rest of us, and I'm not talking about his talent.

"Being openly gay at this school isn't easy, and Kurt has shown a lot of courage to be himself no matter what other people say. But I am admittedly worried about him."

"Why are you worried?" Tina asks, sounding genuinely concerned, and Quinn wonders where Rachel is going with this.

"With all the recent gay teen suicides, I couldn't help but fear that this is becoming some kind of epidemic. And last night I read a report that confirmed those fears. Did you know that 1/3 of all teenage suicides are committed by gay teens? That means that they are 300% more likely to kill themselves than their heterosexual counterparts."

Everyone is visibly taken aback, understandably worried, and Quinn feels her own anxiety start to rise up—this discussion hitting too close to home for her, even if everyone around her is oblivious to it.

"Needless to say, I'm worried about Kurt. And I know Karofsky has been giving him a harder time than usual."

"So what do we do?" Artie asks.

"As we all know, McKinley isn't exactly the most nurturing environment, so we need to do whatever we can to make Kurt feel safe and welcome here."

"We do that already," Mercedes says with a smile. "Kurt knows that we all love him. But yeah, of course, I'll make sure my man knows how important he is in my life."

"And we should look out for him a little more out in the halls," Rachel adds.

"No problem. Kurt's my boy," Puck says before turning his attention to his fellow football players. "We'll look out for him, right, guys?"

Mike, Sam, and Artie nod in agreement, but Quinn can only stare down at Puck in puzzlement and disgust. "Since when is Kurt 'your boy?' Not too long ago you were throwing him in dumpsters with Karofsky's help."

"Whatever. I've turned over a new leaf. Or something," he explains with a shrug. "But I'm still a badass."

"Thank you, Noah," Rachel says with a grateful smile before turning her gaze onto Quinn, causing her breath to catch in her throat. "Quinn, perhaps you could get people to ease off on the slushy attacks?"

Her expression remains impassive, but Quinn internally frowns. She has always been unable to deny Rachel what she asks of her even if it breaks her heart, and she wishes she could give her this. But she doesn't have the power to do so—not anymore. She used to, but the fact is, she simply doesn't inspire the same fear in people anymore. "I don't know why you think I have that kind of power," she replies, not unkindly even though she keeps her expression stoic. "If I did, none of you would be getting slushy facials. The only thing this uniform prevents is being on the receiving end. Usually."

Rachel smiles sadly at her, and Quinn knows she's probably disappointed. "I see," she says almost dismissively before shifting her attention away from her and pleading with Santana to keep people in line.

It almost feels like a slap in the face. Why does Rachel have to be so oblivious to the fact that she wants to help?

But even more than that, Quinn finds herself wishing that Rachel was rallying the club to not just help Kurt, but to help her as well. But how could Rachel possibly know that Quinn needs it—how could any of them? She's done an excellent job of hiding the truth from them.

It's not they won't accept her. It's just that she _can't_ tell them. Because she can't be gay. She _can't_.

But deep down, she knows she is, and she hates herself for it.

By the time the meeting ends, she feels more isolated from New Directions than ever before.

* * *

She's on top of the pyramid—literally—when she catches sight of Rachel standing on the sidelines of the Titans' afternoon practice. She watches as Finn trots off the field towards her, pulling his helmet off his head before dropping it to the ground and picking Rachel up and twirling her around. She laughs, and Quinn can imagine her chocolate brown eyes sparkling with delight as Finn puts her down and kisses her soundly. Her own eyes prick with tears, and her stance falters slightly when she sees Rachel smile into the kiss.

"Fabray!" Coach Sylvester's voice sounds through the megaphone, snapping her attention back to where it should be. "Quiver like that again, and you'll be at the bottom of the pyramid and on dry cleaning duty for the next month!"

Quinn grits her teeth and forces herself to be here now. She can't afford to lose her captaincy again.

Below her, she can hear Santana laughing at her slipup, but fortunately, she is none the wiser as to its cause.

* * *

When Sam asks to meet her in the science room during their lunch break, Quinn agrees, not really thinking about the reason why he wants to do so. She's been kind of going on autopilot lately, throwing herself into her schoolwork and Cheerios, and paying attention to little else around her. Or at least trying to. Her mind refuses to ignore Rachel and the accompanying ache completely, much to her chagrin.

He takes his guitar out of its case, and Quinn can't help but raise a questioning eyebrow at him.

"I thought you were doing your duet with Kurt," she says, vaguely recalling a conversation she overheard him have with Mike.

"I asked him, but he already has a partner," Sam explains with a shrug. "Do you play?"

"No," she replies softly, shaking her head. "But I've always wanted to."

He grins at her as he puts the strap over his shoulder. "Come here."

She does, and he shows her how to play a few chords, albeit with her simply holding down the strings while he strums, but she thinks it's kind of cool this way.

"Can I tell you a secret?" he asks as they continue to play together, and she nods absently, still focused on her fingers against the neck of Sam's guitar. "I'm glad that Kurt had already decided to sing with someone else. I mean, I would love to sing with him, but you're the reason I joined glee club."

Her fingers still, and her eyes shoot up, locking onto his in surprise.

"I've been dying to talk to you since the first day of school. I just didn't have the guts to do it." He leans in, and it's not until Quinn feels his warm breath against her lips that she realizes what's happening and is about to happen.

She tenses and immediately steps away from him.

She looks into his eyes and sees how eager and earnest and honest he is, and she can't help but want to cry. She knows he's exactly the kind of guy she should want to be with, but she doesn't want him. Not the way that she's supposed to. Why can't she just like him? What is wrong with her?

"Are you okay?" he asks, his voice laced with worry.

His question breaks her out of her thoughts, and her face screws up in frustration.

No, no she's not okay, but she's not willing to admit that—not to this boy who knows nothing about her.

"I'm sorry," he says, concern now showing in his eyes.

"You should be," she grits out before turning on her heels and storming out of the room.

She tries not to think about where she picked that ability up.

* * *

It's official: Quinn hates duets.

As she watches Rachel and Finn sing "Don't Go Breaking My Heart," she wonders why she hasn't quit glee club already. What had once been a refuge has slowly become hell—yet she can't imagine giving up the chance to listen to Rachel sing on a regular basis.

She wonders when she became such a masochist.

And when Rachel and Kurt perform a mashup of "Happy Days Are Here Again" and "Get Happy," she feels her heart break again, but in an entirely different way than when Rachel sang with Finn.

She knows that Rachel is putting in that extra effort to reach out to Kurt—to make him feel loved and wanted, safe and protected. And it seems to be working. He looks happier than ever. And when Rachel holds his hand as they sing, she can't help but feel jealous.

Immediately, she feels guilty. She knows how hard it has been for Kurt at this school. But at the same time, she knows that he always has a safe place to go. She's met Burt Hummel. She knows first hand that Kurt has a father who loves him more than anything—a father who would never turn his back on him.

Quinn wishes she were so lucky.

* * *

"Are you still friends with Santana and Brittany?" her mother asks randomly over dinner one night. Her tone is light and almost conversational, but Quinn knows that there's a reason why she is asking.

"No," she replies truthfully with a frown. Santana hasn't spoken to her since their fight in the hallway in the beginning of the school year, and Brittany's allegiance has always lied with Santana.

To Quinn's surprise, her mother looks relieved. It's then that she realizes her mother must have heard the rumors about her former friends' sexuality, and it makes her stomach twist in an awful way.

* * *

Sam, Mike, Puck, and Finn stumble into the choir room sporting bruises from having gotten into a brawl with Karofsky, Azimio, and Strando in the hallway. In defense of Kurt. For the most part, everyone leaves him alone with the exception of those three.

"Are you alright?" Rachel asks, fawning over Finn worriedly as he settles down behind the drum kit, causing Quinn's lip to curl in disgust.

"I'm fine," he replies with that charming smile she knows well. It never fails to make Rachel swoon and to make Quinn's blood boil.

"I'm really proud of you, Finn," Rachel says softly, pressing a kiss to his temple.

He grins dopily, and Quinn clenches her fists. She takes a calming breath, forcing herself to focus on anything but the happy couple. Without meaning to, her eyes fall on Kurt. A familiar guilt begins to course through her, but before she can consider it further, Puck speaks.

"Don't worry about those guys anymore, Kurt," he says assuredly, and Kurt smiles at him gratefully.

"Thank you, Puck," he says, his blue eyes tearing up as he turns his attention onto the entire club. "And thank you, all of you, for sticking up for me."

"Don't mention it, man," Sam says with a smile. "You're awesome and anyone who would give you a hard time about who you love is an idiot."

Artie rolls in then, adding to the good moods of everyone save Quinn. "Good news," he announces. "I overheard Coach reaming out Azimio, Karofsky, and Strando, and she said that if any of those guys lay a hand on Kurt again, she'll kick them off the squad."

The relief in the room is palpable, and the smiles that the boys are wearing clearly demonstrate just how proud of themselves they are for protecting Kurt.

Tina kisses Mike soundly, Santana runs her hand through Puck's mohawk affectionately, Brittany settles down on Artie's lap murmuring something Quinn can't hear, and Mercedes wraps Kurt in a warm hug as Sam claps his hand on Kurt's shoulder.

Unnoticed by everyone but Quinn, Finn and Rachel share a tender kiss—words of praise flowing from her soft lips—and it takes every ounce of willpower to keep control of her emotions.

For anyone who cares to look—which is no one in the choir room—she appears as stoic as ever. But the reality is that Quinn feels utterly alone, and she doesn't see that changing any time soon.

* * *

Quinn's sister, Frannie, and her husband, Tom, come to visit during Thanksgiving. Tom reminds her an awful lot of her father. She knows that despite his civility, he looks down on her for having gotten pregnant at fifteen, especially with a Jewish boy's child. Her sister shares that sentiment, which is why she couldn't go to them for help when she had been kicked out last year.

The conversation takes an uncomfortable turn over dinner when, somehow, the topic of Rachel's fathers comes up. Apparently, Frannie and Tom had seen them holding hands at the supermarket earlier in the day.

"It's disgusting," Tom says. "It's bad enough that gays exist, but the fact that they spread their perversion makes it all the worse."

Quinn's stomach drops, and her hands begin to sweat.

"Don't they have a daughter?" Frannie asks, looking to Quinn, who can only nod, feeling too unsettled to say anything. "That poor girl," she tsks, and Tom and her mother solemnly agree.

Quinn has always known this is what her family believes, but hearing it tonight makes her feel worse than ever before. If they knew what she was hiding, they would condemn, abandon, and hate her.

She feels lost, and she hates that she can't make these feelings go away.

* * *

She cries into her pillow at night, silently begging God not to give up on her, even though she's starting to feel like giving up herself.

She has prayed every night to make these feelings for Rachel stop. She has asked God to fix her so many times she has lost count.

But nothing has changed. If anything, her feelings have only intensified, and she wonders if God has stopped listening. She wonders why He won't help her and why she no longer feels His love enveloping her like she once did as a young girl.

She can't help but think that maybe her father had been right after all—God does hate gays.

The cross around her neck feels heavy, and the feeling of hopelessness is suffocating.

* * *

Another high school party rolls around, and seeing as she's head cheerleader, Quinn knows she's expected to make an appearance.

Her vow to never touch a drop of alcohol again flies out the window the second she spots Finn and Rachel cuddled up together on one of the basement couches. Just the sight of them happily entwined—his large hands fumbling at the hem of her dress as she laughs, burying her head into his neck—makes her want to forget everything because it just hurts too much.

And so she drinks.

But the dull ache in her chest doesn't go away.

* * *

She wonders why God has stopped listening to her.

She wonders, but then there is that voice in the back of her mind—that voice that sounds so much like her father's.

" _Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind. It is abomination."_

" _Do not have sexual relations with a man as one does with a woman. That is detestable."_

Abomination.

Detestable.

She realizes this is what God must think of her.

And she no longer wonders why He doesn't listen.

She knows.

It's because He hates her.

Realizing she's unlovable hurts beyond measure, and she feels herself break that much more.

* * *

Her self-loathing is at an all-time high, and her resolve is slipping fast. She can't keep living like this. It hurts too much.

Suicide is a sin that will land her in hell, but so is being gay, so what difference does it make anymore?

* * *

Quinn resigns from her position as captain of the Cheerios shortly thereafter. Coach Sylvester gives her the verbal lashing of a lifetime, but Quinn barely hears it.

It doesn't matter anymore.

Nothing does.

* * *

Her mother is at work when she decides to go through with it.

She takes a bottle of Glenfiddich from the liquor cabinet. It had been her father's favorite, and she thinks that it will provide some sick sense of justice to what she is about to do.

She then treks up the stairs and into her mother's master bathroom. Before opening the medicine cabinet, she pauses and stares at her reflection. Her despair surges at the sight, and she quickly averts her gaze before focusing on why she came in here. She rummages through her mother's medicines until she finds the valium.

With that in hand, Quinn heads toward her bedroom and settles down on her bed, placing the bottle of pills on her nightstand and opens the Glenfiddich.

She takes a few swigs straight from the bottle, grimacing slightly at the strong taste, but the burn as it goes down her throat and settles into her empty stomach is good.

A haze from the alcohol settles over her, and she picks up a pen and flips her notebook open to a blank page before ripping it out. For the first and last time in her life, she decides to be completely honest.

The letter is a confession. She writes about her pain and isolation and apologizes for not being worthy of love. Her handwriting is sloppy, and she's vaguely aware of the paper being splashed with her falling tears.

When she is done, she places the letter on her nightstand. She then picks up the bottle of valium and empties its contents onto her mattress. There's more than enough to do the job.

With shaking hands, she picks up a few pills and chases them down with the scotch. She repeats this process until every pill is gone, all the while tears streak down her face.

The effects are almost immediate, and Quinn soon has to lay down on her bed, unable to hold herself up any longer. She feels dizzy, and her breathing gradually begins to get shallower. The world starts to go in and out of focus, and her last coherent thought is that the world will be better off without her in it.


	2. Chapter 2

Quinn wakes up on her side with a tube shoved down her throat.

As the near fatal mixture of alcohol and valium is pumped from her stomach, she realizes despondently that her attempt to end her own life has failed. The familiar ache of depression and self-loathing settles over her as the doctors work to save her.

* * *

When Quinn awakens next, she is surprised to see her mother at her bedside.

They simply stare at one another, neither of them speaking. Quinn knows there is nothing to say. It's clear from the look in her mother's blue eyes—the confusion, the worry, the _disappointment_ —that she has read her letter and knows the truth. She knows that she is gay and hopelessly in love with the daughter of the men that her family despises.

What Quinn can't figure out is why her mother is here, but she is too tired and afraid to ask the question. She suspects her mother is too scared to address the situation for similar reasons she hadn't when Quinn was pregnant last year. If they don't talk about it, it's like it's not really happening.

But it is happening. It happened, and Quinn can't stand seeing what she knew all along reflected in her mother's eyes.

Unable to stand the disappointment she sees there any longer, she swallows thickly and winces at the sensation—her throat sore from the tube that had been there mere hours ago—as she tears her eyes from her mother's and stares at her hands resting in her lap.

The uncomfortable silence is finally broken by the her mother's sniffling. Quinn chances a glance back at her, seeing sorrowful eyes gazing at her. "Why didn't you talk to me, Quinnie?" she asks after a beat.

"Because," Quinn begins, her voice hoarse. "We don't talk about bad things in our house, remember?"

Her mother closes her eyes and lets out a sad sigh before looking at her once more.

"I knew you wouldn't accept it," she continues, feeling defeated. "I knew you'd kick me out."

Her mother looks at her ashamedly, and Quinn sadly knows it's because what she said is the truth.

"I'm not going to kick you out. Not after I came so close to losing you," she says, shaking her head as she begins to break down, taking Quinn by surprise. "I can't lose you, Quinnie. Please promise you won't try to hurt yourself again."

Quinn can only stare back at her in bewilderment.

"We'll get you help. We'll fix this," she says, hope creeping into her voice. "You're just confused, sweetheart."

Guilt floods her. She feels awful that she can't be enough for her family, but she can't go on pretending. "You can't fix me, Mom," Quinn whispers brokenly. "And I'm not confused. I'm gay, Mom," her voice breaks then as she releases a sob. "I'm gay, and God hates me, and you hate me, and I-"

"I don't hate you, Quinnie," her mother interjects, firmly. "I don't. I- We'll figure this out somehow, but please promise that you won't hurt yourself again."

Quinn nods, feeling overwhelmed by her mother's reaction, even though she's not so sure she can keep that promise.

* * *

Quinn stares vacantly out the window of her room in St. Rita's Hospital's psychiatric unit. Her body is tired and achy, but otherwise, she is physically fine.

Emotionally, she's still far from okay.

Fearing that Quinn was still a danger to herself, the psychiatrist who evaluated her had her admitted to the pediatric psychiatric unit for three days in order to stabilize her. He has also given her an antidepressant to take the edge off, and it makes her feel somewhat disconnected from things. She's not sure what to think or feel at the moment.

What she does know is that she's glad that she will still have a place to live once she gets out of here, but she's not sure she's worth the trouble.

Her mother may not hate her, but Quinn doubts she accepts her. How could she when Quinn can't even accept herself?

* * *

She tries reading, but finds herself unable to concentrate on the words, so instead she opts to watch cartoons with Lucas, a young boy with a mood disorder. He barely pays any mind to her, which is just fine with Quinn. She saw him having an "episode" earlier that day and would prefer not to have a repeat.

"Quinn, you have a visitor," the nurse on staff interrupts. She glances at the clock and sees that it's a little after 3:00. Her brow furrows. Her mother doesn't get out of work for another two hours, so who could possibly be visiting her?

She pushes herself up from the couch and follows the nurse out of the room and into the designated area for visitors.

What she sees waiting for her takes her completely by surprise. Standing next to a table is Rachel Berry dressed in a red-and-white striped jumper.

"Rachel?" Quinn asks as the girl approaches her, confused and wondering if somehow she's still asleep and dreaming.

"Hello, Quinn," she replies anxiously.

"I'll leave you two be," the nurse says. "Group is at 4:00, so I'll come get you then, Quinn."

Quinn can only nod, unable to remove her eyes from Rachel. _What is she doing here?_

The click of the door closing seems to set Rachel into motion. Brown eyes shine with unshed tears as she steps towards Quinn. Rachel grasps onto the her hands with her own as if to convince herself that Quinn is really there. Her hands are soft and warm around Quinn's, and it momentarily distracts her from wondering what Rachel is doing here.

"I'm so glad you're okay," Rachel says with a watery smile.

Quinn doesn't reply, simply staring at the other girl. For a moment, she's almost glad that she's okay too, if only because it allows her this bittersweet moment of closeness with Rachel—having never been so physically close to her before.

Rachel leads her over to the chairs at the far end of the room, and Quinn can only follow her, wishing she could get her heart to stop feeling like its going to jump out of her chest.

"How did you know I was here?" she finally asks, her voice still hoarse from yesterday's ordeal.

"I volunteer here at St. Rita's. I was working in the ER when you were admitted last night. I didn't know what exactly was wrong since you were rushed in rather quickly, so I went and checked your medical records. I know I shouldn't have looked, but I was too worried…" A broken sob interrupts her explanation as her hold on Quinn's hand tightens, but her eyes never leave Quinn's. "And when I saw _why_ you were admitted, I had to see you with my own eyes. Make sure you were okay." Rachel lets out a shaky breath. "Why did you do it, Quinn?" she whispers brokenly, a tear slipping down her cheek.

"Because I hate myself," Quinn replies quietly, momentarily surprised by her own honesty before averting her gaze, unable to look at Rachel for fear of breaking down in front of her.

"Why?" her voice cracks.

Quinn closes her eyes, unable to keep her emotions in check any longer. A choked sob escapes her as the tears begin fall, and immediately she is wrapped in Rachel's strong arms.

She clings to Rachel like her life depends on it—and right now, it feels like it does.

"It's okay, Quinn," Rachel murmurs against her head. "I've got you."

She can't bring herself to reply, and instead grips onto her tighter, silently wishing Rachel would never let her go.

* * *

Rachel comes again the next day at roughly the same time. And just like yesterday, she encases Quinn's hands in her own as they sit together, gazing at her with compassionate brown eyes.

Quinn isn't sure what to make of it. She feels conflicted. On one hand, this is what she wanted—Rachel to notice her, to reach out to her—but on the other hand, it hurts knowing she can't have Rachel the way she truly wants her—the way Finn has her.

But Rachel cares, and right now, that is almost enough for Quinn. It's enough to keep her going. It's enough to make her keep her promise to her mother that she won't hurt herself again.

* * *

"Glee club misses you," Rachel tells her on her last day in the psychiatric unit, once again slipping soft, small hands into Quinn's and filling her with warmth.

"You told them?" she asks, feeling both apprehensive and hopeful about that prospect.

"I had to," she replies. "And it won't go beyond the walls of the choir room, so please don't worry about that. Glee club is a family, and, well, everyone was concerned about your absence, especially since you abruptly quit Cheerios." Rachel hesitates for another moment before continuing, "Quinn… I know we've never been very close, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. And I want to help." There's desperation in Rachel's voice now. "I need to know… why did you feel like you needed to take your own life?"

Quinn gazes at Rachel intently, wondering if she should swallow the words that are threatening to make themselves known or let them out. But she knows that Rachel won't judge her, even if almost everyone else in the world, including herself, does.

She takes a deep breath before quietly admitting the truth.

"I'm gay."

Rachel stares at her wide-eyed before blinking in surprise. It's quickly followed by an expression of guilt as the full implication of the words sinks in. "Oh my God," she whispers. "Oh God, Quinn… I… we… you needed us too."

She bites her lower lip contemplatively and lowers her gaze to their joined hands, unsure of what to say, because, yes, she needed them too—especially Rachel—but she had been too ashamed to ask for it.

She still is.

"I'm so sorry."

Hazel eyes shoot back up to meet Rachel's in confusion. "Why are you apologizing?"

"I should have noticed sooner that things weren't okay," she says, clearly upset with herself. "We should have been there for you."

She hates seeing Rachel beat herself up, so Quinn says the first words that come to mind in an attempt to make her feel better about herself. "You're here now," she says, squeezing Rachel's hands in hers.

"You're right," Rachel agrees. "I'm here now. And I'll be here for as long you need me to be."

Her declaration both warms and breaks Quinn's heart. If only Rachel could be there for her in the way that Quinn truly needed, wanted, and craved her.

Perhaps this is God's punishment, she thinks with bitter amusement. Finally get Rachel to notice her without actually getting her to _notice_ her.

"Does your mom know?" Rachel asks, interrupting Quinn's thoughts.

"Yes, she knows."

"And?"

"She's not kicking me out," Quinn says with a shrug even though she knows things will probably never be _really_ okay with her mom.

Rachel frowns sympathetically and unexpectedly pulls Quinn into her arms. "You deserve so much more than that," she whispers into her ear, causing Quinn to shudder and close her eyes as she tries to lose herself in Rachel's warmth.

* * *

Quinn slings her messenger bag over her shoulder before stepping into McKinley High School for the first time since she tried to end her life.

It's only been a week, and, yet, she feels like a completely different person.

She supposes she is.

A week ago, she tried to kill herself. And even though she still feels a near unbearable ache in her heart, she doesn't feel as hopeless. The medication helps. She hopes the therapy she is supposed to go to will help like it did at St. Rita's. Knowing her mother isn't going to kick her out helps. Rachel knowing some of the truth helps.

_Rachel._

And there she is, down the hallway, next to her locker, enveloped in Finn's awkward embrace.

Quickly averting her gaze, she hurries towards her own locker and begins to pull out the books she needs for her first few classes in an attempt to forget the sight of the happy couple. Out of the corner of her eye, Quinn catches a glimpse of a bright red Cheerio uniform.

"Hey," a voice calls softly to her left.

She turns to see Brittany standing there with a hopeful smile. Before she can say anything, she's wrapped in a warm hug, taking Quinn somewhat by surprise. It's been a long time since Brittany has shown her any kind of affection. Quinn's arms hang loosely at her sides before she remembers she has use of them and hesitantly loops them around Brittany's lower back.

It feels nice. Safe, even.

After a few moments, Brittany finally pulls back and gazes down at Quinn with a soft expression. "You should come to dance class with me sometime."

Quinn can only blink in confusion at her random statement.

"Dancing always makes me happy," she continues with a soft smile. "Maybe it will make you happy too, Q."

"I… sure, B, that sounds great," Quinn replies after a moment.

Brittany beams back at her before pulling her into another hug, and Quinn finds herself smiling for the first time in weeks.

* * *

Kurt places a steaming latte in front of Quinn as he takes a seat across from her in the Lima Bean.

"Rachel told us what happened," he says softly, looking remorseful and a little bit guilty. "I know you probably didn't want us to know the reason why you did what you did, but we needed to know." He pauses then, unsuccessfully trying to collect himself. He lets out a shaky breath as he reaches across the table and places his hand over Quinn's. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry you felt so trapped and like you couldn't turn to us. I can't imagine how hard it was for you to see me getting support while you were the one who really needed it."

It _was_ hard. It was _so hard_ , but she can't find it in herself to admit it out loud. Instead, Quinn nervously plays with the sleeve around her latte with her free hand, avoiding Kurt's bright blue eyes shining with unshed tears. Despite having spoken to a therapist daily while at St. Rita's with plans to continuing seeing him weekly, talking about things is still new, and it's not something she's used to.

"If I had any idea—any idea at all, Quinn—I would have been there for you. And I'm here for you now," he says, and she cautiously raises her eyes back up to meet his. It feels good to hear him say that—to offer his support. "I'm always here to listen or, if needed, distract you with shopping trips and coffee dates."

"Thanks, Kurt," she says, feeling truly grateful for his support.

"There's more going on for you than just struggling with your identity though, isn't there?" he says then, dropping his voice, and she nervously bites her lower lip. He smiles softly at that. "Even though Rachel is too nosy for her own good, sometimes that girl is ridiculously oblivious to what's right in front of her." He pauses and gazes at her meaningfully. "What didn't you tell Rachel?"

She looks at him hesitantly.

"You can trust me," he says, and, despite his tendency to gossip, Quinn knows it to be true.

"I'm in love with Rachel," she confesses with quiet sadness, repeating the words she had written in what was to be her final farewell. "I'm in love with her, and she will never love me back."

"I'm sorry," he replies contritely. "I know how it is. I used to feel that way about Finn."

"You did?" she asks, legitimately stunned by the news.

"Last year, I wanted that boy so badly. You have no idea how jealous I was of you," he explains with a smirk.

Quinn can't help but laugh at that considering how much of a lie their relationship was. "How did you get over him?"

"Time, I suppose," he says with a shrug. "That, and meeting someone else."

"Oh really?" she asks. "And who might this 'someone else' be?"

"Don't tell anyone, but I have my eye on the lead singer of our Sectionals' competition—Blaine Anderson."

Quinn can't help but smile at him. "Don't worry, your secret is safe with me."

"And yours with me," he says in all seriousness, squeezing Quinn's hand.

She knows then that Kurt Hummel is the rock she always needed.

* * *

A few days later, Rachel meets her by her locker after school, energy bouncing off of her as she takes Quinn's hand and leads her to the choir room. Before Quinn can ask what's going on, warm hands are guiding her into a chair in the front row of the choir room.

Those same hands give her shoulders a reassuring squeeze as all the members of New Directions enter the choir room, with Mr. Schuester taking up the rear.

Finn settles down behind the drum kit, while Artie grabs his bass from the stand in the corner of the room, and Puck and Sam do the same with their guitars. Everyone else files in front of her—their expressions a mixture of sadness, guilt, concern, relief, and other things Quinn can't identify.

It's feels very different from when they looked at her during her pregnancy last year. Then again, the circumstances of her life _are_ very different this time around.

To Quinn's mild disappointment, Rachel releases her hold on her and joins the rest of the glee club. Quinn looks at her questioningly, and Rachel smiles back at her.

"Words alone are often inadequate when it comes to expressing what we feel," Rachel begins. "It's a good thing we have music to fill in the rest." She pauses then, taking a deep breath and looking at Quinn with so much emotion in her eyes that it almost takes Quinn's breath away. "We care about you, so much," she says, and Quinn can see the beginnings of tears forming in her eyes. "The thought of you not being here with us is unbearable. Please stay."

As the boys begin to play the intro to "Beyond the Gray Sky," Quinn mashes her lips together, trying to keep her emotions under control. Even though the antidepressants have taken the edge off of things, it doesn't take away from this outpouring of love she's experiencing from everyone in the room.

Especially from Rachel and Kurt, who have taken up the lead vocals on the song. It's as if they're singing directly to her. It reminds her of the first time glee club sang for her. "Keep Holding On." Rachel had sung that for her, and Kurt had held her securely as they danced together.

It's like that performance all over again but amplified.

During Sam's guitar solo, Rachel and Kurt both pull her up out of her seat, and suddenly, she's surrounded by people who clearly care and want her there. She can feel it in their words and in how they dance with her.

It's overwhelming, and wonderful, and she doesn't know what to do with it all.

By the time the song comes to a close, there's not a dry eye in the house. New Directions has her wrapped in the warmest, safest embrace ever. The one she was in after her performance of "It's a Man's Man's Man's World" pales in comparison to this. Because this time, Rachel is there.

Rachel is there, front and center, pressed to her front, and Quinn relishes the moment, because she can feel how much Rachel cares, and it's exactly what she needs.

* * *

Having the support of New Directions is making a difference, slowly but surely.

It's subtle, really. If Kurt hadn't told her outright that Rachel had told the club what was going on with her and New Directions' subsequent performance, she might not have realized what was happening—that they were making a concerted effort to be there for her. Because it doesn't feel forced. It feels like they really care.

Well, at least most of them do.

Finn is still somewhat standoffish, not really knowing what to say to her. To say that things are awkward between them is an understatement. He still resents her for everything that happened between them last year, and she harbors strong jealousy towards him—not that he knows it, of course. It's only recently that Quinn realized that she has been harboring that jealousy since the day she first noticed Finn paying attention to Rachel over a year ago.

She wonders what he would do if he knew that she was in love with his girlfriend. He'd probably throw a tantrum, which would most likely end with a chair being kicked over.

Santana has simply chosen to lay off the insults, but she doesn't exactly offer any words of encouragement—not that Quinn expected any. She knows Santana is still pissed about her selling her out to Coach Sylvester, and even though Quinn is no longer captain of the Cheerios, Santana is still at the bottom of the pyramid. Quinn doubts she'll let go of her grudge completely until she's back on top.

And Puck. Well, that's complicated. He cares. Quinn knows he does. But he also knows better than to try to speak with her, so all he does is occasionally offer her a smile or a nod of support.

But Brittany is at her locker every morning, offering her a hug, and every Wednesday night, Quinn joins her for dance class. It's simple, genuine, and, most importantly, fun. It's been _so long_ since Quinn had fun doing anything.

Mercedes starts to sit with Quinn at lunch—something they hadn't done since sophomore year. Their relationship is admittedly a strange one. Quinn lived with her last year, but after moving back home, they grew distant. Truthfully, there wasn't a whole lot that bonded them together, but underneath it all, Quinn realizes there is a loyalty that would be hard pressed to break. And even though they haven't spoken directly about the recent events in Quinn's life, she knows that Mercedes has her back, no matter what.

She just wishes she had realized that sooner. She wishes she hadn't been so afraid to ask for help.

And then there is Kurt, extending coffee dates and shopping trips. With him she feels a kinship that she doesn't with any of the other members of New Directions. He understands to some extent the pain she had been in hiding her secret. Even though he doesn't have the same familiar pressures, he understands the societal pressures. But he's moved past that and is growing more and more comfortable in his own skin, and Quinn tries to find strength in that.

If Kurt can do it, so can she.

And Rachel—Rachel has been flat out amazing. Out of everyone in glee club, she is the one who is there the most for Quinn. When she found out that Quinn is usually home alone after school, Rachel took it upon herself to make sure that she had company, and with every passing day, they have grown closer. Quinn's pretty sure that Rachel is spending more time with her than her own boyfriend. It's somewhat satisfying to be given priority over Finn, although it's also become confusing.

Rachel is a very tactile person—always needing to have a physical connection to people she cares about. When they talk about serious things, Rachel will hold her hand or sometimes just hold her. If the subject is more lighthearted or mundane, Rachel will often place her hand on Quinn's arm, as if to make sure Quinn is actually listening to her. Which, of course she is. She always listens to Rachel.

And then there are the times when they lounge around, listening to music or watching television, and Rachel will always end up cuddling with her.

Those moments are like heaven and hell all at once.

* * *

Things with her mother are still strained.

Quinn knows now that her mother doesn't hate her and wants her to be safe, but she also knows that her mother doesn't like that she's gay. It hurts, and she can't help but feel like a disappointment because of that.

She shares this with her therapist, and he suggests that they attend counseling together.

To Quinn's immense surprise, her mother agrees to go with her. Talking about things—especially things like this—has never been the Fabray way. It's a huge step.

However, she's under no delusions that this will magically make things perfect between them. Cautious optimism is as far as she's willing to let herself go for now. But it's something, and she thinks maybe things can get better.

* * *

It's another day and once again, Rachel is cuddled up against Quinn's side on the Fabrays' couch as the two of them watch _Law & Order_ reruns. As per usual, Quinn is hardly paying any attention to what's happening on screen, too focused on the pleasant warmth pressed against her.

She craves to be closer to Rachel, but she doesn't dare try for more. She never knew it was possible for something to feel so amazing and yet so painful at the same time—to be so close to what she wants without actually having it. She wonders if Rachel has any idea of what this does to her.

Rachel's phone rings then, and she gently extracts herself from Quinn. She reaches for her phone, and her face lights up when she looks at the caller ID before jumping off the couch.

"Hey, Finn," she greets him sweetly as she walks out into the kitchen to carry on her conversation in private.

Quinn's jaw tenses, and her eyes narrow as the familiar feelings of jealousy flares up in her. She wishes she could make Rachel smile like that. She wishes so badly she had what Finn has.

"Sorry about that," Rachel says as she breezes back into the room and plops back down on the couch. "Finn texted me earlier in the day telling me he had a surprise for me, and-"

Quinn keeps her eyes trained on the television, not wanting to listen to Rachel gush about Finn. She's amazed that he hasn't actually come up in conversation before now.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Rachel asks, her brow furrowed with concern as she takes Quinn's hand in hers.

Quinn doesn't know whether or not to yank it away.

She opts to leave it where it is. "Nothing," she lies.

"Quinn, you were fine a few minutes ago. What happened?"

She doesn't answer. Instead she stares at her hand in Rachel's. It feels like a perfect fit.

The thought makes the jealousy coursing through her simmer down, leaving a feeling of wistfulness in its wake.

In these moments alone in her house, sometimes it's easy to forget that Rachel is in love with Finn, because Rachel makes her feel cared for in a way that no one else has.

Bittersweet is the only way to describe it.

"Quinn, please talk to me?" Rachel tries again, her voice soft.

She smiles sadly and closes her eyes. "I'm glad you're here."

She knows Rachel is confused by her statement, but she doesn't miss a beat. "I'm glad I'm here too. You're my best friend, Quinn," she says, squeezing Quinn's hand gently. "All I want is to see you happy."

Quinn's smile grows as her heart twists painfully in her chest.

It's definitely bittersweet, but Quinn is still so grateful to have Rachel Berry as her best friend.

* * *

There are two important relationships in her life that Quinn doubts she'll ever be able to repair.

One is with her father, and Quinn has only recently started talking about him—the pain of his abandonment and feeling like she'll never be anything but a disappointment in his eyes—with her therapist.

The other is with God.

She hasn't been able to bring herself to pray since before she attempted to take her life. Sometimes she wonders if there was a reason she survived—if there was a reason her mother came home from work early that day. She wonders if it was God's way of giving her a second chance.

She wants to ask, but she's afraid that He still won't listen. And Quinn isn't sure she can handle that feeling of emptiness again.

* * *

There's a note from Sam in her locker asking her to meet him in the science room during lunch. She hopes this won't be a repeat of what happened three months ago, but considering that the truth is now out in New Directions, she's hopeful that he won't be trying to put the moves on her.

"You wanted to see me," she says, finding him sitting on top of the teacher's desk staring up at the styrofoam solar system overhead.

His eyes drop and meet hers as a small smile graces his features. "Hey."

"Hi," she replies, stepping further into the room and staring at him expectantly.

"I haven't seen you in church," he says.

Her brow furrows in confusion. "You go to St. John's?"

Sam nods. "My family has been going there since we moved here from Memphis. We usually sit in the middle pews, so I guess I got lost in the crowd a bit. But I always noticed you."

"Sam…" she says, not wanting to go through this again.

He hops off the desk then and puts his hands up in a defensive gesture. "I didn't mean like in a romantic way. Okay, yes, at first I did, but after you turned me down, I respected that. But then I noticed when you stopped going, and, well, I _think_ I know why you stopped. But I don't want to assume, so I thought I'd ask."

"Why do _you_ think I stopped going?"

"Because… you think God won't accept you."

"I don't _think_ that, I _know_ ," she says with a frown.

"Ah, but that's where you're wrong," he says with a smile.

She looks at him disbelievingly.

"The God I know—the God I grew up with—is all loving and all compassionate. And we are made in His image. He doesn't make mistakes. We are all His children, and He loves us all. And the only thing He expects of us is to do the same. To love."

What he's saying makes sense, but there's still lingering doubt in her mind. "But the Bible-"

"The Bible says," Sam interrupts, his smile never wavering, "that we must love. 'Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.'"

She closes her eyes, letting the words she has heard before but never paid proper attention to sink in.

"God loves you, Quinn," he says with conviction, "and He will never stop loving you. Please don't ever forget that."

It's exactly what she needed to hear, and immediately her heart feels lighter.

* * *

There are still days that are hard—days where Quinn feels badly about herself and doubts that she's good enough. There are days when the ache of unrequited love feels like it's going to bring her to her knees.

Only now there are people there willing to help pick her back up, and she's not afraid to lean on them to get her through those days.

Kurt and Mercedes are her rocks—the pillars that hold her up when she can't do it herself. Brittany and Sam are the ones who never fail to make her smile, whether it's Brittany with a hug and an off-the-wall comment or Sam with his dorky impressions.

And Rachel—Rachel is her best friend, who would do anything for her. Quinn can't imagine ever _not_ being in love with her, but Kurt assures her that one day, she'll move on. She's not so sure about that, but having Rachel in her life—even if it is sometimes painful—is better than not having her at all.

Because Quinn has been there. She remembers what it felt like to feel isolated and alone and without any support at all.

 _How things have changed_ , she thinks to herself with a soft smile as she steps into the choir room arm-in-arm with Kurt and takes in the sight of her friends gathering on the risers for the day's glee club meeting.

It's not lost on her what a difference New Directions has made since being given a second chance at life. With their help, she's slowly coming to accept herself and her sexuality.

She isn't out like Kurt is, and no one in her family besides her mother knows the truth, but it's okay for now. "Baby steps," as Kurt likes to say. "One day at a time," her therapist often reminds her.

* * *

"Rejoice and love yourself today, 'cause baby you were born this way," Rachel sings softly to her as they drive back to Quinn's house after rehearsal.

Quinn smiles as she recognizes the song, content to listen to Rachel sing until she insists that Quinn join her for the chorus.

"I'm beautiful in my way, 'cause God makes no mistakes," Quinn sings, and Rachel reaches across the console to encase Quinn's hand in hers, causing her smile to grow wider. "I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way. Don't hide yourself in regret, just love yourself and you're set. I'm on the right track, baby, I was born this way."

The moment is intimate and powerful in its simplicity.

"I hope you believe those words someday, Quinn."

"Believe it or not, I'm starting to."

Rachel grins and gently squeezes her hand, and Quinn smiles.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This story is dedicated to anyone who has ever struggled with self-acceptance. May you find every happiness in the world. You deserve it, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. :)


End file.
